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Why does changing old habits always feel like an uphill battle, even when we genuinely want to change?
Understanding the science behind our behaviors isn’t just a nice-to-have; it’s essential for growth.
Natalie McVeigh, an executive coach specializing in neuroscience and conversational intelligence, and I dove deep into this enlightening topic.
Natalie has dedicated her career to understanding the intricacies of human behavior and helping others break unproductive cycles. She believes that change often comes with the tendency to focus on what we shouldn’t do, a pattern that inadvertently reinforces the very behaviors we aim to avoid.
Instead of battling ingrained patterns that don’t serve us, Natalie emphasizes the power of positive action and mindful communication. In her work, she draws attention to rewarding constructive behavior and building new neural pathways, rather than succumbing to the self-defeating cycles of negative reinforcement.
Natalie’s expertise helps individuals transform their habits through intentional and measured actions, leading to personal and professional growth.
Together, we explored why change is so challenging and how to harness your brain’s potential in mastering it.
The Habit Loop: Why We Get Stuck
Did you know that 43 to 45% of our waking moments are habitual?
Our brains are super-efficient, often operating on autopilot to save energy for essential functions like breathing. The drawback is this efficiency can leave us stuck with unproductive behaviors, which are often deeply entrenched from childhood. But why do the less productive habits cling so much?
Many of us focus on what we don’t want: “Don’t yell,” “Don’t eat that cake,” and so on. The problem is, our brains register the action, not the negation. When you do that, you are essentially telling your brain to do the very thing you are trying to avoid.
What you should do instead is to define a goal of what you do want. For example, for an executive who doesn’t want to yell, do you want to be more empathetic? Do you want to listen more? Do you want to pause?
Think about what you want to achieve rather than what you want to avoid.
Action steps:
- Identify a behavior you wish to change and restructure your goal positively (“I want to speak empathetically” instead of “I want to stop yelling”). Employ “approach goals” to keep your focus on desirable habits.
The Pathway to Change
We’ve all heard that it takes 21 days to create a new habit. That is categorically incorrect.
Real neuroplastic change, the brain’s ability to adapt and change its structure and function in response to experience, takes a minimum 66 days to begin formally. Usually 99 days. But real change where it’s second nature, 18 months of concerted effort.
The key takeaway here is that you don’t lose all the progress you’ve made. For example, if you start running today and continue for six months but then take a three-month break, you retain about half of your training, meaning it still counts as three months of running. This is important to remember—if committing to 18 months feels overwhelming, you don’t have to do it all at once. This approach emphasizes resilience and patience.
By acknowledging our intense reactions, we can take a step back and make room for a healthier response. It’s not about self-criticism of past habits, but about welcoming positive change.
Writing Your Way to Change
Expressing emotions like anger can act like a pressure release valve, but exactly how you express them matters more than you may realize.
Writing can be a powerful tool to express emotions; your brain views taking action this way as a form of control and resolution. Writing down frustrations can be therapeutic and enlightening.
We tend to be iterative when we’re writing. Writing down your emotions by hand is often considered better than typing them because the physical act of writing engages more parts of the brain. This leads to deeper processing of your feelings, improved memory retention, and a stronger connection to your emotions compared to the more automated motion of typing on a keyboard.
Action steps:
- Write by hand, not by keyboard, to work through negative emotions and re-evaluate them. After writing, reflect on the content to understand the underlying causes of your emotions.
Embracing Progress, Not Perfection
Changing deep-seated behaviors might seem daunting, but remember, it’s about progress, not perfection.
Focus on what you did well, like finding those three things in a public speaking engagement that went great, regardless of the areas for improvement. Did you get a laugh, a nod, a ‘thank you’ afterwards? Celebrate those wins.
Focusing on what went well in any situation, including public speaking, is important from a neuroscience perspective because of how our brains process rewards and reinforcement. Here’s why:
- Rewires Your Brain for Positivity (Neuroplasticity)
- Your brain strengthens the neural pathways you use most.
- When you repeatedly focus on wins, you reinforce confidence and positive emotions, making future challenges easier to face.
- Activates the Reward System (Dopamine Release)
- Small wins trigger the release of dopamine, the “feel-good” neurotransmitter.
- This motivates you to keep improving and builds resilience.
- Reduces Stress and Anxiety
- The brain has a negativity bias, meaning it naturally focuses on what went wrong.
- Shifting focus to positive moments helps counteract stress responses and build a growth mindset.
- Boosts Confidence and Performance
- When you recognize what went well, you create a positive feedback loop.
- This helps you approach future tasks with more self-assurance.
- Encourages Continuous Learning
- While improvement areas matter, highlighting strengths keeps you motivated.
- Confidence gained from small wins makes it easier to tackle growth areas without fear.
Consider finding inspiration in a leader you admire and aspire to emulate. What traits do they possess that you want to cultivate? Let these serve as your aspirations and align actions towards achieving them.
Understanding the neuroscience of change will allow it to be your catalyst for personal and organizational transformation. With patience, self-kindness, and strategic action, you can rewrite your habitual story and lead with newfound insight and authenticity.
Natalie also shares…
- The interconnectedness of brain and body—physical actions can influence emotional well-being.
- The challenge of change in the context of neuroscience.
- The importance of multifaceted goals that satisfy more than one area of your development.